With Love And Squalor

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 22:28:48 -0400

On Saturday afternoon, I decided that spending a second more in Merced being depressed was not going to be acceptable, so I drove back home for a few days. I missed my brother more than words could possibly say, and I am beyond happy that I got to see him. Well, I am still home, and we are about to go out and engage in some shenanigans.

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Mon, 11 Jun 2012 22:22:49 -0400

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Sat, 09 Jun 2012 14:31:41 -0400

This is very important. I bought Ward 6 by Chekhov, Kafka’s complete published works, and The...

Sat, 09 Jun 2012 01:25:20 -0400

This is very important.

I bought Ward 6 by Chekhov, Kafka’s complete published works, and The Time Machine by H.G. Wells yesterday. I started reading Kafka on the bus today. He’s not what I expected, and I’m admittedly not impressed yet, but we shall see. We shall see.

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Sat, 09 Jun 2012 01:21:18 -0400

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Sat, 09 Jun 2012 01:13:12 -0400

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Sat, 09 Jun 2012 01:09:40 -0400

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Fri, 08 Jun 2012 23:06:16 -0400

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Fri, 08 Jun 2012 22:50:15 -0400

you care about this shit

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 19:53:53 -0400

I’m extraordinarily bored okay?

I can’t get to sleep without: Ambien, Ativan, Seroquel, Benadryl, Ny-Quil, or some fantastic combination of all of these.

If I were a doll, the accessories packaged with me would be: a book, a journal, a pen, sunglasses, boots, skinny jeans, and an interesting sweater

I have an irrational fear of: taking up too much space

At my grandparents house I usually eat: Italian

When I was born I weighed: less than I do now.

I am most opposed to: ignorance

On myspace I like to stalk: Who uses myspace?

I am too old to be: collecting Pokemon cards, but I don’t really care.

I find the thought of childbirth: the end of a 9 month long necessity.

Next door to my house is: Another house

My feet are: the same size as they were when I was 10.

My preferred style of jeans are: skinny jeans

I know how to cook: I can cook the shit out of vegetables.

I am annoyed at: myself

Men should always: I don’t know, maybe be considerate.

Women should never: be clingy and catty and needy

The scariest sea creature is: I think the scary ones are pretty awesome

The world is over populated with: ignorant people.

I recently broke: Someone’s heart. Oh, so cliche.

I last cried because: I don’t know, I can’t cry anymore.

I would like to be in an advertisement for: Being awesome.

My favorite shoes are: I love boots. High, low, tall, heels, flats, I just love boots.

My mothers’ greatest fear is: I don’t know…many things?

When I think of Full House: I don’t.

Whats your middle name? Alexandra and I adore it.

How big is your bed? It’s a twin, but I’m small, it’s cool.

What are you listening to right now? I have “chillwave” typed into my iTunes, so…there ya go.

What are the last 4 digits in your cellphone number? No

What was the last thing you ate? Grapes =)

Last person you hugged? Ehhhh…

How is the weather right now? The sun is shining.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My mom.

What is the first thing you notice in the opposite sex? Eyes, always, always eyes.

Favorite type of Food. Fruit

Do you want children? Yes, probably just one.

Do you drink? No, I mean, I will, I just don’t really enjoy it.

Ever get so drunk you don’t remember the entire night? No.

Hair colour? Brown with a little red.

Eye colour? Blue

Do you wear contacts/glasses? I spent a ridiculous amount of money on some Dior frames with clear glass because I think glasses are a fantastic accessory.

Favorite holiday? Christmas

Favorite Season? Autumn

Have you ever cried over a girl/boy? In high school

Last Movie you Watched? Wristcutters

What books are you reading? The Metamorphosis by Kafka.

Piercings? 5 in each ear

Favorite Movie? Into The Whild

Favorite college football Team? UCLA

What were you doing before filling this out? Listening to music, which I happen to still be doing.

Any pets? A cat, but she lives with my mom

Dogs or cats? Cats. I hate dogs.

Favorite Flower? Red Rose

Have you ever loved someone? I DO love many people. I HAVE been in love in the past.

Who would you like to see right now? MY BROTHER NOW PLEASE.

Have you ever fired a gun? No

Do you like to travel by plane? Never have

Right-handed or Left-handed? Right

If you could go to any place right now where would you go? My mom’s house and I would sit on the couch with her with some tea and talk for hours.

Are you missing someone? My parents and my brother.

Do you have a tattoo? I do, I do.

Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings? When I had a TV I watched Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh. And Yo Gabba Gabba. Yeah, I’m 22. So What?

Are you hiding something from someone? Oh always.

ARE YOU 18? I’m 22

WHAT IS THE WALLPAPER ON YOUR CELLPHONE? My brother and me.

DID YOU GET ENOUGH SLEEP LAST NIGHT? God, no.

FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MORNING? I guess I’m not going to work.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE HANDY AT YOUR BEDSIDE? Let’s see. Currently, a bottle of water, an empty cup, two candles, a stapler, a pen, some make-up, an air freshener, some letters and a sunglasses case. None of those are very “handy” things though except the pen.

GRILLED OR FRIED? grilled

WHAT MAKES YOU UNIQUE? everything

ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? No, I take walks in the middle of the night.

FAVORITE HANGOUT? Somewhere with nice people.

3 THINGS YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT? family, music, writing

FAVORITE SONG? You Won’t Know by Brand New, but I have a lot, really.

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? Everything. No, I mean that’s true to an extent, but mostly ending up in places I’ve been before in my life.

ARE YOU A GIVER OR TAKER? I’m extremely emotionally giving, but I think I take a lot from people emotionally too.

WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? Natattack. Yeah, it’s an awesome nickname.

FAVORITE T.V. COMMERCIAL? I watch TV like for two months out of the year. IDK

WHO’S YOUR CELL PHONE PROVIDER? AT&T and I hate them, but I wanted an iPhone, and this was back in the day.

FIRST THING YOU’LL SAVE IN A FIRE? Matierial? My laptop.

Whats your favorite color? Green

WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU ALWAYS TAKE WITH YOU? My phone, iPod, gum, cigarettes, tea bags, splenda, a journal and whatever book I am reading.

WHAT DID YOU WANNA BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID? a teacher.

WHAT DO YOU USUALLY DO WHEN THE CLOCK TURNS 11:11? make a wish. I’m lame.

THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEETS? What are sheets? I have a gratuitous amount of blankets on my bed, some of which serve as sheets because they are buried so far beneath the more accessible blankets.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT BEFORE YOU GO TO BED? I contemplate my existence and the purpose of humanity and the future of myself and everyone I know. Or if I’ve really taken a good mixture of things, I just sort of fall into a coma.

not walking

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 00:45:42 -0400

blue ink on water
that’s about as clear as it gets
broke something tiny in half
and it made a big deal
to the voices on the other end
so caring and kind
and rational and sweet
while my head is falling into my feet
and they’re wondering what’s wrong with me
but not too much
not tonight
as long as i get the order of the words right
it doesn’t matter what they mean
because i don’t mean a damn thing
lights to the side
i half hope they’ll help me die
but they’re gone too fast
and they were probably
caring and kind
and rational and sweet
to each other at least
which doesn’t concern me
take the half and make it whole
and that really throws me down the rabbit hole
but it must have felt okay
because i woke up today
to hit rewind and repeat
on some ambiguous machine
i assume that we call life
which i thought was more or less organic
but i guess it’s generally robotic
isn’t that an ugly truth?
but I’m an ugly girl behind these eyes
they’re just big and beautiful lies
i was supposed to be getting clean
but i made a bigger mess
and i think the decay looks nice
but no one else agrees
and if they ever see
i’m sure they’ll chastise me
but i don’t leave this room too much
except under glaring lights
and hideous sirens
which i know they hope
will be the last time
and i don’t think they mean
they want to see me happy
just really far beneath the surface
and they can practice their mediocre acting
so caring and kind
and rational and sweet.

coffee in incorrect locations

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 00:19:00 -0400

underwater and half asleep
these lucid dreams pull your arms from me
and I didn’t mean to speak
but the space behind my teeth
abandoned my rationality
poor decisions
and even worse feelings
bloody porcelain
so maybe i can breathe
but I’m so sorry. I can’t.
and I hate to steal and lie
but I’m taking your oxygen for mine
masochistic love feels good for a moment
where the cycle begins with a dance
through battle scarred skin
that I would lie about if you asked
but you don’t
so let’s go to war dear
and fill me up with straight lies
and permanent lines
for the enemy to get behind
it’s my finest art
and you’ll never see
but you took my words
and you won’t set them free
and I didn’t mean to speak
but the space behind my teeth
abandoned my rationality

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Wed, 06 Jun 2012 00:42:36 -0400

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Fri, 01 Jun 2012 01:21:24 -0400

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